Friday, October 04, 2002

Today I'm feeling sad. OK, my incision has been getting worse and worse, not better and better. I have pretty much been hurting constantly for weeks and weeks (8 to be exact). This morning I had to have another painful procedure in the doctor's office, just like I had a week-and-a-half ago, to try to make it start forming scar tissue. This time it was so unbearable he had to stop the procedure and partially numb me with a Novacaine-like substance. Not that the needles in the incision to numb it felt particularly good. However, right now this minute I feel better than I've felt in weeks, because I'm full of Novacaine and Percocet. No pain at all! Of course, it will only last until the meds wear off, so I'm taking full advantage!

I'm tired of not being able to take care of my home, do laundry, pick up toys and cook dinner. I'm tired of being in pain. I'm tired of not being able to do my morning workouts. If this second silver nitrate procedure doesn't work, I'll have to have my incision revised, which means more surgery and healing starts all over again! When will I get better?

OK, whine over. On a positive note, I am feeling closer to God than ever. I guess I always do when I'm going through a crisis. Why do people always pray more and read more scripture when things are hard? God gets kind of a raw deal there--he's called on more when we need his help. However, it's a load off to know I don't have to relate to him perfectly, that he's there for me regardless. In fact, he let me know in no uncertain terms that through all this crap he's there in a very real way. That's way past cool.

Now, what's God teaching me through all this pain and crap I'm going through. OK, I know for a fact God didn't cause my pain. There's illness and pain because we live in a fallen world. But I do know that every time I've had to suffer through something, God has had something to teach me through it. How am I supposed to be responding to this? What will God teach me? I can't wait to find out!

Monday, September 30, 2002

Today I feel overwhelmed. Yes, I know, I predicted it. However, I didn't predict feeling like crap on top of everything else. Something made my stupid incision start hurting again. I just want to heal.

I have to pay bills today even though I don't want to do anything. I also should make several phone calls, to my friend Joy who is losing her father-in-law, to my friend Terri who may have a flooded basement, and to my son's dentist who keeps promising to squeeze him in and fix his poor hurting mouth, but who has not yet done so.

There are also a million and one other things I need to do. Poor me! LOL

Oh, and Six Flags was OK, and we had a fun time being together as a family, but I'm glad I didn't pay money to go there (other than $8 for parking, what's up with that?). It's not all it's cracked up to be. And I was pretty grossed out by all the blood and gore for Halloween, which is a month away, for God's sake!